We got a huge (for this area) snow storm Thursday afternoon and then freezing rain. I spent most of the weekend housebound. Between the nasty weather with icy roads and the mystery pain in my foot, going anywhere, even for a walk on the beach, was not a good idea. Not being a hugely social person, I usually do well on my own for long periods of time. Sunday morning I was feeling confined and restless. The feeling kept growing. I chalked it up to not being able to walk without hobbling. It was more than that, deeper, a longing of sorts. I couldn’t calm myself and was getting weepy and a bit panicky. I’m sensing a lack in myself and am searching for something. I don’t know what it actually looks like, only that it’s important. I just know something is missing.
I spent many hours over my long weekend reading sober blogs, many of them from their beginning. Hoping that I’ll find some clue that others have experienced this sudden gaping hole in their lives after being sober for a while.
I’ve been doing well, not experiencing strong cravings, and recently it felt as though life was smoothing out for the first time in a very long time.
I realized that while I am used to being alone, I am not used to quiet or calm thoughts. There’s been so much turbulence in my life and the chaotic thoughts that accompanied the various dramas took a lot of time, energy and wine to manage. I built a fortress around myself to hide while drinking.
I think what’s missing is a “real life” out there in the real world instead of locked in my head. I don’t want to try to do this alone anymore. I didn’t want to go to AA to get sober. I said I wasn’t a joiner but the real reason is that I didn’t want to to run the risk of my secret getting out in my small town. I found an AA meeting in my town at 10:30 on Sunday morning and then I had to decide which was bigger, my ego or my need for sobriety. I went to my first AA meeting. and when my turn came, with tears streaming down my face, said out loud for the first time, “My name is Joyce and I am an alcoholic”.
Day 65 ended sober.
I Am Sober Now 
February 10, 2014 at 5:46 pm
Yay Joyce! I’m so glad you got out to a meeting. It really does get easier with time, and you will find so much fellowship there. I always feel better after a meeting, even if I was happy going in. Plus, there’s a lot of friendship and support here in the blogosphere.
Keep writing!
Hugs,
~Jami
February 10, 2014 at 6:26 pm
I went to both meetings yesterday and was so relieved at how open and welcoming everyone was. I was given a list of over twenty names and phone numbers of female members. The woman who gave me the list told me to call even if it was “practicing” to see if someone would answer. They invited me to the women’s only meeting on Wednesday. In short, I felt an immediate sense of community. No judgment. One of the women there was a former customer of mine. My immediate feeling was shame that she was seeing me there; then I was just happy to see a familiar face. I’m leaving in a few minutes for the evening meeting. I needed this. Between meetings and the sober bloggers, I feel like this is doable! Thanks Jami! xx
February 11, 2014 at 5:20 pm
Joyce! I am so excited and kinda amazed by by you! What a brave and inspiring move. I love your insight on being alone: “I realized that while I am used to being alone, I am not used to quiet or calm thoughts.” Perfectly said. Thank you for sharing.
February 11, 2014 at 6:58 pm
Thank you for the kind comment. It has helped so much to hear other people tell their stories at the meetings. I can disconnect from my own storyline and begin to see what others are going through.
November 13, 2014 at 3:41 pm
Hello,
I just came across your blog. I live in London. I am 35 days sober. I google why do I feel eutrophic at 30 days sober, and found your writings. They are great. I am now a little devastated that you seemed to have stopped posting. Please if you are out there, let me know you are okay – sober or not. You have huge talent. Sincerely, Mary
November 13, 2014 at 3:52 pm
Hi Mary, Congratulations on 35 days! Savor the good feelings you are feeling!
I reached 11 months of sobriety last Friday and am doing well. I miss writing and have decided to start again even though there’s a large time gap. This has been an interesting year full of challenges and blessings I couldn’t have imagined.
Thank you for stopping by and commenting!
February 11, 2014 at 11:16 pm
so glad it went well for you. Day 65 is a great place to get to. In my experience that is when a lot of the obsessing with not drinking calms, but you start dealing with living your life as a sober person which is a different thing. Well done you for deciding you needed more support/company on the way and finding it!
February 14, 2014 at 5:20 pm
Thank you. 🙂
February 12, 2014 at 12:28 pm
The lack of chaos that sobriety brings can be disquieting initially. Congrats on the 65 days – now you’ll start to figure out a way of being in the world that feels right for you and if AA helps then great 🙂
February 14, 2014 at 5:22 pm
Ah yes, figuring out a way of being in a *sober* world.
February 12, 2014 at 7:57 pm
Hi, thank you for stopping by my blog. Congrats on 65 day! Woot woot!
I am so glad that you decided to go to a meeting, and I totally relate to your fears about it too. Love what you said “I had to decide what was bigger, my ego or my need for sobriety.” – that is so powerful! And I too found it crucial to connect to others face to face, and to get out of my own head. 🙂
February 14, 2014 at 5:31 pm
Thanks so much! I was very worried about the perceptions of others if it were known that I was attending AA meetings. I can’t say I don’t care if people find out. If it happens I’ll deal with then. Right now I’m needing both the sober blogs and AA meetings. Whatever it takes to stay sober.
February 14, 2014 at 7:38 am
Wonderful Joyce, so glad it went well. Tomorrow 70! Keep up the good work.
February 14, 2014 at 5:32 pm
Thank you, Sharon. Congrats back at you for your 200 days! Yay!
February 15, 2014 at 7:46 pm
I went to my first AA meeting last week with great trepidation. It was a great experience. I too got a list of phone numbers and lots of support. To think I was afraid to go. New situations are tough, and everything is new when you are newly sober. Congratulations on 65 days. I am only a little ahead, day 78.
February 16, 2014 at 5:28 am
Thanks for stopping by my blog! I have continued to attend meetings all week. I haven’t had much to say but the welcome and support have meant a lot to me. Congratulations on your 78 days.
Joyce